White Flag

So i think i threw in the towels yesterday or saturday. i studied chapter 7 of TBR gen chem II and then i gave up. I'm scoring 7s on the VR tests i've taken so far. i was scoring 9 earlier but still that is low. i'm not sure how i was going to raise that to a 12 or 10 by september. now that i put down 10, that's actually doable. But what about bio? i've not touched much of bio since early july. Thing is those who took it in june screamed genetics and 7/29 people where typing "GENETICS, GENETICS, GENETICS" all over the place. i purchased the schaum's book and i've not had the time to go through. Nova helped with physics, gen chem i feel ok save for acid/bases. orgo i feel fine, besides, most people keep getting one passage per exam and most say it's not that bad. I feel like i spent more time trying to master orgo and neglected bio.

All in all, i've EK bio 1001 to go through, i went through 4 passages per certain chapters but that was back in june. i've only done 4 gen chem topicals. i've done a good amount of EK 1001 orgo and a few gen chem and lately some physics. i've done a good amount of TBR chapters, mostly phase one which has been lately. For the ones i did in late july, i haven't even gone back to do phase II a week after as recommended. I'm still a little fuzzy on physics though i feel like NOVA helped a great deal in helping me gain intuition and understanding it and i can see the results when i do the EK physics now, i'm doing great. But i still have like 95% of TPR Sci wrkbk to go through. I've topicals, sectionals and discretes,subject tests and FLs to do. i've TBR phase II and III to finish, along with their CBTs. I've EK 1001s to go through, along with the 30minutes. Plus the AAMC.

Bottom line, i've a lot of stuff that needs to be done in so little time. I do have a one week vacation coming up. The question is do i know the stuff like the back of my hand? I'm not well prepared.

I had a plan. i stuck to it, not completely, but i think i followed it closely. In hindsight, i didn't follow the plan. i didn't stick to it. I kept tweaking along the way. Things came up. I had to read NMR and the COOH from the textbook because i didn't know it. In hindsight, i wish i'd studied when school was in session instead of trying to go through EK part of the time.

It's not that i didn't invest a lot of time into this. God knows i did. Worst case i did 12hrs a day. My plan was 16 but 12 hrs x4 is about 48hrs a week, not including the few 1 or 2 hrs i did on days i had to work or the more hours i put in on days when i got cancelled. So it's not about me not investing the time. What is it then? What did i do wrong? what did i not do? or what did i not do right? i think the last 3 questions are one and the same.

Only think i can think of is the fact that i'm ill-prepared. i did not stick to the plan completely. But plans are meant to be tweaked a little so they can adjust to circumstances.
Maybe it's my lack of confidence, and my self-doubt that's doing me in. Frustration, doubt, despair, self-reliance. Maybe that's my flaw. There are so many things to weigh. do i suck it in these last couple of weeks and flunk? do i suck it in for the last couple of weeks and really get a miracle that makes me excel? what if that doesn't happen, then i'll have wasted even more time. Looking at it from this point, i wish i'd studied for the stupid precalc thing in that case i could've taken calc I this summer while stuyding for the alternative. I'd have made more money by not taking time off in june, by not asking to be cancelled at times when it wasn't my turn. Money and time spent driving here to study, going to bn to study, buying a drink and/or cookie while i sat there. Lord, this is so........... i don't know what word to put down.

So what happens now? I've not given up on taking the exam. Absolutely not. A coworker asked me what i did yesterday and i mentioned sleeping, going to the mall and watching tv shows. She asked "you didn't review?" i responded i was too tired. A patient asked have you taught about further your career to become a doctor? i told him that's what i started as but i changed to nursing. His response was don't give up on your dream. So, i'm going to take the kaplan online FL since i'm going to lose them anyway in november. see how i do. It's not like i've done terrible on the kaplan topicals. On the contrary i've done very well. i think TBR is my confidence killer. i even do good on the TPR workbook. so i'll decide by the end of this week on what to do. I'd rather do this right than go in ill prepared.

LIS took this exam last fall and felt ill-prepared so he voided and studied for however many months, doing 40 FLs to score a 40. i know he did the sci wrkbook and recommends doing that and then a third of TBR. So, while i feel awful, i know people who've studied hard and flunked, studied harder again and flunked, i can actually think of one. So, instead of rushing in and making 20s, i think i'd rather go in prepared.

I'm not giving up on my dream. No, when it comes to that, i'd rather try and try again and again than just look from a distance and give up. I'm just trying to push it back and prep harder. I just hope i have the same drive.
Now that brings up a lot of stuff like what do i do this fall, do i take histo, do i take the remainder of august to prep for the alternative and test out of precalc. Do i take calc instead of histo or both? do i look or a RA position. Which reminds me i'm supposed to go talk to some doctor for a recommendation. So many things to think about and decide.
Lord Jesus please guide me in making the right choices.

Life keeps moving, even when you stop

So the focus of my summer has been studying to conquer this 'thing'. I've been saying i don't have a life but the fact is i've been saying that since being at DU. I tell myself i'll work on that when i'm done with this but the fact of the matter is while i'm working on this, that is still very much existent, and as i move along the x axis of life and the t axis, that also moves.
That means i need to multitask, to deal with this and that.
Talking to a friend, who's like an older sister to me, made me realize while i'm engrossed in just one thing this summer, life is moving, along with everything in it. Question is, what will the displacement be when i stop to look around?
lesson learned is better start looking around now.

There's pain in knowledge

I find it hard watching someone fight a losing battle in a movie because i know they're not going to win and i tell myself they're better off saving their energy.
I find it heartbreaking watching myself fight a battle i think i'm going to lose looking back at all the times i've failed in the past. It's quite depressing, in fact. Do i throw my hands up in the air or do i keep on fighting hoping for a miracle? What are the chances of a miracle looking at the past. But then again, do i forget about the past, realize it's a new day and keep fighting till the fight is over and i'm declared a loser. Just the thought sends tears pouring. I find it soo hard to give up. On a road where failure has popped up certain times, attaining success does not just require a miracle, it demands one. I feel like i wouldn't be surprised it i end up with Queen's result despite all the work i've put in. Sure, I might cry or hold the tears inside, but i won't be surprised. The pain in knowing the truth is that it hurts, it cuts like a knife. Ignorance surely is bliss.

Stagnant

i feel like i've slacked the entire month of july. i feel like i've done nothing. Maybe it's because i don't see much of a progress. It's pretty discouraging. I'm not sure what i'm going to do. Christ have mercy

The song of the Cebu oops Miami

In the song of the Cebu, larry starts with a slideshow of pictures where he goes "this is me and my aunt ruth, this is me fighting a bull, this is me and the bull and i think that's the bull's cousin,..." at some point, the audience see something bad on the slideshow that isn't supposed to be there and Larry goes "forget about that one." and they show audieces like junior and the gourds trying to shake thier heads and narrow their eyes in surprise.
So a colleague of mine goes to miami, didn't work on my floor last night but i came down sometime during the night and asked how her trip was and she goes awesome. so she asks would you like to see some pictures and i go "sure."
The whole "picture showing" thing was much like Larrys. 3 audiences gathered around my friend with her digicam and she going "this guy is soo fabulous,blah, blah, blah..." and each time i 'll get the camera to get a closer look. after a couple tries i just stood behind like everyone else and watched do her little slideshow. Till we get to the part where she goes "this guy invited us to his pool party" and the next picture that comes up afterwards is a naked guy with 3 of them in bikini and then she hits the back button like Larry going forget about that one. Soon as i saw that picture,the slideshow was over for me. Yes i see naked people all the time at work but i don't take delight in seeing stuff like that out so i walked off the floor but to where i came from and everyone looked at me like "what's wrong?" For starters, i don't wish to see what else is on that camera. I like to guard eyes and ears.

Roller coaster ride

I took a look at the GRE stuff at BN today and ended up reading the verbal tips in TPR book instead. I thought that was helpful. Anyway, goal was to read kaplan to the aromatics, do corresponding EK and do topicals. done with 2 topicals out of 3. can't find the other one. I think i may jump on to acid bases for the remainder of the time and do the other one tomorrow. So far i've been focusion on ochem and come to think of it, i feel like there're only few questions on the subject on the exam. But anyeay, the more i practice, the more i learn and the more i realize that i learn from rationales because i get to apply rationales i learned earlier to new questions. Anyway, i still need a miracle and some icecream.

I really feel like giving up

honestly, i'm starting to think maybe i should quit and focus on the GRE for the next month and refocus on this so i take it next year. I've invested soo much time and money and the opportunity cost is not only enormous but it increases exponentially with time.
i spent my afternoon at bn and i couldn't do any physics. I feel like i need more time. Question is how much more time do i need? I've not had a life this summer thanks to studying for this. And to just throw my hands up in the air and walk away is just something i can't bring myself to do. I feel like it's one of those days when i need to hit the gym. Hopefully feel better