White Flag

So i think i threw in the towels yesterday or saturday. i studied chapter 7 of TBR gen chem II and then i gave up. I'm scoring 7s on the VR tests i've taken so far. i was scoring 9 earlier but still that is low. i'm not sure how i was going to raise that to a 12 or 10 by september. now that i put down 10, that's actually doable. But what about bio? i've not touched much of bio since early july. Thing is those who took it in june screamed genetics and 7/29 people where typing "GENETICS, GENETICS, GENETICS" all over the place. i purchased the schaum's book and i've not had the time to go through. Nova helped with physics, gen chem i feel ok save for acid/bases. orgo i feel fine, besides, most people keep getting one passage per exam and most say it's not that bad. I feel like i spent more time trying to master orgo and neglected bio.

All in all, i've EK bio 1001 to go through, i went through 4 passages per certain chapters but that was back in june. i've only done 4 gen chem topicals. i've done a good amount of EK 1001 orgo and a few gen chem and lately some physics. i've done a good amount of TBR chapters, mostly phase one which has been lately. For the ones i did in late july, i haven't even gone back to do phase II a week after as recommended. I'm still a little fuzzy on physics though i feel like NOVA helped a great deal in helping me gain intuition and understanding it and i can see the results when i do the EK physics now, i'm doing great. But i still have like 95% of TPR Sci wrkbk to go through. I've topicals, sectionals and discretes,subject tests and FLs to do. i've TBR phase II and III to finish, along with their CBTs. I've EK 1001s to go through, along with the 30minutes. Plus the AAMC.

Bottom line, i've a lot of stuff that needs to be done in so little time. I do have a one week vacation coming up. The question is do i know the stuff like the back of my hand? I'm not well prepared.

I had a plan. i stuck to it, not completely, but i think i followed it closely. In hindsight, i didn't follow the plan. i didn't stick to it. I kept tweaking along the way. Things came up. I had to read NMR and the COOH from the textbook because i didn't know it. In hindsight, i wish i'd studied when school was in session instead of trying to go through EK part of the time.

It's not that i didn't invest a lot of time into this. God knows i did. Worst case i did 12hrs a day. My plan was 16 but 12 hrs x4 is about 48hrs a week, not including the few 1 or 2 hrs i did on days i had to work or the more hours i put in on days when i got cancelled. So it's not about me not investing the time. What is it then? What did i do wrong? what did i not do? or what did i not do right? i think the last 3 questions are one and the same.

Only think i can think of is the fact that i'm ill-prepared. i did not stick to the plan completely. But plans are meant to be tweaked a little so they can adjust to circumstances.
Maybe it's my lack of confidence, and my self-doubt that's doing me in. Frustration, doubt, despair, self-reliance. Maybe that's my flaw. There are so many things to weigh. do i suck it in these last couple of weeks and flunk? do i suck it in for the last couple of weeks and really get a miracle that makes me excel? what if that doesn't happen, then i'll have wasted even more time. Looking at it from this point, i wish i'd studied for the stupid precalc thing in that case i could've taken calc I this summer while stuyding for the alternative. I'd have made more money by not taking time off in june, by not asking to be cancelled at times when it wasn't my turn. Money and time spent driving here to study, going to bn to study, buying a drink and/or cookie while i sat there. Lord, this is so........... i don't know what word to put down.

So what happens now? I've not given up on taking the exam. Absolutely not. A coworker asked me what i did yesterday and i mentioned sleeping, going to the mall and watching tv shows. She asked "you didn't review?" i responded i was too tired. A patient asked have you taught about further your career to become a doctor? i told him that's what i started as but i changed to nursing. His response was don't give up on your dream. So, i'm going to take the kaplan online FL since i'm going to lose them anyway in november. see how i do. It's not like i've done terrible on the kaplan topicals. On the contrary i've done very well. i think TBR is my confidence killer. i even do good on the TPR workbook. so i'll decide by the end of this week on what to do. I'd rather do this right than go in ill prepared.

LIS took this exam last fall and felt ill-prepared so he voided and studied for however many months, doing 40 FLs to score a 40. i know he did the sci wrkbook and recommends doing that and then a third of TBR. So, while i feel awful, i know people who've studied hard and flunked, studied harder again and flunked, i can actually think of one. So, instead of rushing in and making 20s, i think i'd rather go in prepared.

I'm not giving up on my dream. No, when it comes to that, i'd rather try and try again and again than just look from a distance and give up. I'm just trying to push it back and prep harder. I just hope i have the same drive.
Now that brings up a lot of stuff like what do i do this fall, do i take histo, do i take the remainder of august to prep for the alternative and test out of precalc. Do i take calc instead of histo or both? do i look or a RA position. Which reminds me i'm supposed to go talk to some doctor for a recommendation. So many things to think about and decide.
Lord Jesus please guide me in making the right choices.