Two week emotional hiatus

So i was supposed to spend this time blogging about how i'm doing things right this time studying for the exam and today i told a friend in the bus that i think i prolly should've gone ahead and taken cell bio simply because i haven't accomplished much this year. I'm behind on studying for the exam and i've a lot of catching up to do in terms of research at the NIH. That part is almost over, thank God. I love being there but the drive to and fro kills.

My last post was a l'il over 2 weeks ago. what's happened since that time? Well, i've been listening to Queen's break free simply because i realized I've fallen in love for the first time, this time i know it's for real....I've fallen in love, yeah, God knows, God knows i've fallen in love. It's strange but it's true, i can't get over the way he loves me like he does but .... i want to break free.lol
So yeah, i've been distracted. It took 2 years for what's his name to finally get through to me and when i did, i didn't feel this way. My heart was starting to get in it when i freaked out and backed out (plus i went out of the country). this time it is and it sux. I try to guard my heart above all things and i don't know if i let my guard down or i just can't the feeling any longer. The fact that i feel this way makes wanting to break free hurt. Brings tears to my eyes because i want to walk away from someone i actually have feelings for and it hurts, period. Hurts a lot and makes me ask why i'm doing this to me but i think it's for the best.

Maybe i'm being selfish. Maybe, i'm an emotional mess that needs to sort myself out. Maybe it's a little bit of both. Or maybe, it's really something i found out about him that's a dealbreaker for me. My heart is going to break if i walk away but i think i'll get over it. Heck, it breaks my heart to even think about walking away but I think this is what's best. I've 3 or 4 years of craziness ahead of me. Gosh, i'd hate to tell someone i don't want to start a family till at least after clinical year. I'd hate to have someone wait for me. And i'm not sure i can get involved in a LDR. They say there's a danger in loving somebody too much and it's hard when you know it's your heart you can't trust. I'm not sure how i feel about my heart but i've always told myself when not to follow my heart when it comes to relationships. The fact that you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them. I'd rather be friends than lose a friend in the long run. Sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Anyway, i'm an emotional trainwreck right now. I'm not even sure how it's possible to fall in love with someone i haven't seen in a decade. Somewhere, somehow, i hope what i'm feeling is just a girl meets boy thrill. BUT there's this dealbreaker and it makes me KNOW it's better walking away now than later.

I've a bottle of KR in my hand, no glass. don't think i can drink the whole thing tonight but since i couldn't soak myself up in a warm bath, all i feel like doing is laying here and drinking it. Also have a cake sitting in the kitchen. At least i'm not chewing my nails and eating chocolate like it's going out of fashion.